Some changes are drastic, like changing a hair style, and then some are more subtle and take a longer time to show themselves. This is my story, of a more subtle change I've seen in myself this past year.
Recently, I stumbled across notes from an executive speaker series I went to a year ago. I arrived early but stayed outside so I wasn’t the first person in the room. I sat down as close to the front as I felt comfortable, not wanting to seem too eager, also ensuring I sat near the edge of the room so I could avoid walking down the middle. I remember being scared to talk to the people near me, scared I’d make a fool of myself if I did. I also remember bringing a fancy new bullet journal to the event. I was so excited to be that attendee, the one who takes detailed notes when brilliant people speak and devours every word they say (soon I realized this was normal and that I wasn’t being that anything). I took 6 pages of notes, but I know I never did organized anything actionable with those notes, they stayed tucked away in a notebook which still remains half empty.
Last night, I went to a similar event; this time, as an executive board member of the club. I arrived an hour early, chatted with my friends and set up the room. This time, I was welcoming attendees and introduced the founder at the beginning of the event. I watched over the room from the back, ushered in last-minute show ups. This time I sat in the back, listened carefully and only took notes on what took my interest and I wanted to remember. After the event, I went up to the founder and asked to get coffee. I’m currently emailing them to settle a date.
If it wasn’t clear, my confidence in the past year has grown exponentially, I’m so much more sure of myself and who I am. But, there’s still so much room for growth. In the things I do, I always tell people that I don’t know what I’m doing. Most people just assume that’s me being blunt, funny or humble. But honestly, I really just don’t know what I’m doing. It feels like everyone around me has their whole lives planned and are always 5 steps ahead of me. Every single mentor I have has told me the same thing, that everyone feels the same exact way, that imposter syndrome doesn’t magically disappear and that it’s okay to be working through it. Every time these incredible teachers try and tell me that I’m right where I’m meant to be and that I bring value to what I do it’s so hard for me to believe them. But, perhaps ironically, the second someone tells me that I “massively inflate” my worth I am the first to say "to hell with you".
A year ago, I would have felt broken if someone told me I overvalue myself. I would have crawled into my bed and cried for days. Worse even, I would have believed them. I’m not gonna stand here and say that a part of me didn’t question my worth after I heard it this time; as I said, there’s always room for growth. But, I can tell you that after hearing these words come from someone (who used to be) so close to me I dusted myself off and carried on with my day. I went to yet another speaker series, spoke to my friends, set up the event, welcomed the founder, took notes and asked if I could buy them coffee.
Life, as I've found it, is a constant learning experience, and the most recent lesson I’ve received is that at the end of the day you are the most precious commodity you will ever have. Money, love, and success may come and go. But you are a constant in your life. You wake up and go to bed with yourself, on the good days, bad days and all the other days. My only ask is that you take the time to take care of yourself, spend time on things that energize and engage you, chase after your passion projects and always remember to have fun. And as for the days this all feels harder to do, make sure you have a killer playlist and some stunning shoes so you can feel what you need to feel and walk it off.
You can find my favorite walking playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2kETKzxbXAlSet6YBr2tkJ?si=nfyItssHRgKGSvmQsuPeTA